html is @Swiftshirt

Swiftshirt

🌕🕧 5 yr via Beta

Another way to put it is "don't drink anything with Green Lantern on it".

352262

Swiftshirt

🌕🕛 5 yr via Beta

You can precisely measure how old a Dr. Pepper is by how many months ago the action movie on its can came out.

352257

Swiftshirt

🌔🕙 6 yr via Beta

For the third time this morning I thought I heard someone at the office quietly crying. Turns out though that a lot of people just have sniffles and colds.

322608

Swiftshirt

🌔🕙 6 yr via Beta

Of all the insults my children have made up, "Stinkerbell" is probably the best.

313079

Swiftshirt

🌕🕐 6 yr via Beta

Kumquats and rutabagas are inherently funny.

304239

Swiftshirt

🌕🕚 6 yr via Beta

No! YOU'RE the irrational one here!

#🥧day

303432

Swiftshirt

🌔🕥 6 yr via Beta

[Deleted]

303431

Swiftshirt

🌖🕟 6 yr via Beta

My 3y old tired of being bossed around by her 6y old sister: "I don't have to listen to a child!"

300137

Swiftshirt

🌘🕘 6 yr via Arachis

IMO speed skating is by far the most interesting winter Olympic sport to watch. Intense, action packed and edge of your seat finishes. ❄️

Half pipe skiing on the other hand... 👎

290105

Swiftshirt

🌕🕜 6 yr via Beta

I've been wearing headphones for the last half an hour and only just now realized that they weren't plugged in.

273719

Swiftshirt

🌘🕤 6 yr via Arachis

@thedoctor @joe definitely a joke :)

273172

Swiftshirt

🌔🕘 6 yr via Beta

Enough is enough!

Someone has got to tell the New York Times to stop with all these puff pieces!

https://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/11/other-options-for-puff-pastry/

272722

Swiftshirt

🌔🕘 6 yr via Beta

@33MHz oh man, I feel ya!

272718

Swiftshirt

🌖🕞 6 yr via Beta

Doctor: Whenever you eat gluten, your stomach cramps?

Man: Yes.

Doctor: Feel bloated?

Man: Yes.

Doctor: Sudden urges to get down on all fours and wander around like a Himalayan ox?

Man: Yes! Yes! How did you know?!

Doctor: You have Sillyyak Disease.

263374

Swiftshirt

🌔🕥 6 yr via Beta

🚨

######

Public Service Announcement:

Even if you are out of milk, do not use almond milk in a latte.

Advisory in effect until 3:00 PM CST

######

🚨

263238

Swiftshirt

🌖🕞 6 yr via Beta

[overheard]

"She's a soft-spoken fast talker."

261296

33MHz (passed by Swiftshirt)

🌔🕣 6 yr via Brusque

Any digs at Michael Bay [vimeo.com] are good digs.

255836

Swiftshirt

🌕🕚 6 yr via Noodle

Geekway tickets are up for purchase
https://geekwaytothewest.com/

@jawzt @wife @33MHz